About Being Jealous

Can I just let out a big sigh? Ok, I have a feeling that this topic will be a Part 1 of infinity.  This is one of my BIGGEST vices…ever.  It is the giant that I face, and it goes hand-in-hand with having issues with insecurity.  It’s a quarter past Midnight where I am (Hawaii), so I will make this brief because I have to get up early tomorrow and be somewhere by 7:45am.  I will save my psychoanalysis for another day.  I just wanted to confess that tonight I took a verbal jab at my hubby with the tone in my voice because I was jealous.  So…what the heck was it about?  Well, we were watching TV, and he was surfing the channels as usual, and I stop shorted him on a local fashion show that I caught a glimpse of.  It was being televised and I knew one of my friend’s 16-year-old daughter was modeling some Filipino attire.  The girl is half-Filipino, and half Black and very striking.  Anyway, as each girl went down the runway, I kept exclaiming that it was her only to be wrong.  THEY ALL LOOKED ALIKE!  It was like the Robert Palmer video “Simply Irresistable” back in the 90’s, except they were all wearing Filipino evening gowns called  Ternos.  But sure enough, we saw her, and she was clearly STUNNING.  I just hated her.  Ha, I don’t even know her, and she’s only a kid, but I hated her.

Don’t have a cow, I’m just exaggerating.  And although I’m able to unstuck my rolled eyes, I don’t really hate her.  Is “unstuck” a word?  I was just JELLY BELLY Jealous because last year, we were invited to her 16th birthday party by her aunt, who is one of our closest friends.  And of course, it had to be at the beach.  And OF COURSE, the girl had to be in a skimpy bikini, AND OF COURSE, HER bubbly butt was peeking out of the bottoms.  AND OF COURSE, my hubby noticed it as much as I was.  I swear, I was stealing looks at her rear for two reasons:  1) IT WAS OUT THERE, 2) I wanted to make sure I recorded in my mind that image so that when the subject would come up in my marital conversations, I would know EXACTLY what my hubby saw as well – and find every reason to be pissed off at him.  And I guess I’ll admit that her ass was really a nice ass and I wish mine was like that again so that it would be MY ass that my husband would be trying with all his might to avoid staring at.  OK??

Ehemm.  So back to tonight and after seeing her on TV, I whipped out a venomous tone towards my hubby, “We can turn the CHANNEL NOW.”  HELLO…TURN THAT FRICKEN THING, WILL YOU?!   Sorry. Remember, I’m not a perfect Christian. This is my therapy and a journey to finding peace within myself, and purging this ugliness out of me.

So the conversation continues on like this – and mind you, I was trying to keep it light and billowy, but it didn’t work:

ME (whip-cracking tone):  “I know you think she’s pretty.  Just admit it.  It’s because you saw her ASS at the beach and couldn’t help it.”

HUBBY: No…it’s not my fault that she was out there.

ME: OH…just ADMIT IT, you think she’s pretty.  You like her ass!!  You were glimpsing!!!  I know how guys can get.  They can’t help it.

HUBBY:  I’m not gonna lie, EVERYONE saw…

ME: No DEAR, please…just lie.

Cold shoulder for about 3 minutes and then I was back to my normal, low blood pressured self.  WHICH, I may be proud to say that I even said, “Aw honey, I still love you anyway.”  And then discussion was over.   I am actually getting better at this.  Years past, it would take me a half day to regulate.  Or sedate. Same thing. My goal is to not even make stupid comments as I mentioned above.  UGLY, UGLY, UGLY, UGLY attitude!!  All this negativity is so heavy, no wonder my ass is sagging and not perky like that GIRL.

LISTEN TO ME:  MEN, don’t admit to your spouse that you noticed a half-naked opposite sex creature ESPECIALLY when it is obvious that EVERYONE noticed. Just DON’T. I’m not advocating dishonesty towards your spouse either.  Just know that it is taboo to even skirt around issues remotely close to the subject of physical attributes of another female, and whether or not SHE brings it up…because she is comparing herself to the skimpy skank that you’re staring at.  I have no words to the women tonight. They are all agreeing with me right now.  So we will just stew until the next post about Jealousy.


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