About Feeling Secure

Raise your hand if you feel secure because of the following: Having a nice career, nice bank account, a nice car, nice house, lots of friends, good-looking significant other?  Ha.  Oscar Meyer Baloney to the nth degree!  Some of those I just mentioned I used to have, and others I still have and cherish, but truly it doesn’t completely satisfy my need for security.  I have daily bouts with insecurity, I have to admit. But I don’t dwell in it for too long, that way it will remain as a surface-level emotion that I can brush off easily. If I sift through my often clouded and scattered thoughts, I’ll find that the fear of being rejected used to be the root of my insecurity.  Not being accepted by those who I want to be a part of, or a group that I want to fit in.  But in the past month, I’ve had a chance to evaluate this “root” and have discovered what a façade it has been.

How ironic that I say all of this being that I was rejected from my job almost a month ago. Do I feel insecure?  Not in the least.  In fact, it’s been twenty-eight days. Wow. I’m LOVING IT!  Time really flies…and I’m not really having that much fun.  I mean, I’m enjoying not going to a job everyday and dealing with other people’s BS.  Let’s sit here for a few seconds and really think about it…I’ve been without a job for TWENTY-EIGHT days! TWENTY-EIGHT stinking days! Isn’t it that the amount of days necessary to either break a bad habit or create a good one?  I could’ve recovered from alcoholism if I were a drunkard, or lost my muffin top in twenty-eight days! I’ve definitely developed habits:  watching Gossip Girl on Netflix, Facebooking, Instagramming, Tweeting.  How much more sordid can I get in this goody two-shoes life of mine?  Well, I’m not that much of a lazy clown though.  I have organized my home, started this blog, applied for a couple of far-fetched jobs that I don’t really care about, continued an already awesome relationship with my college BFF Crissy over FaceTime, been more amorous with my hubby, cooked more, counseled my teenaged son about girls who like him without being manipulative, and knitted my first sweater.  But twenty-eight days!  That means next month our family will be without health insurance, and we will have to just rely on God’s good grace and protection.

As I think about that, my old self would be having a panic attack about the lack of this protection.  Ha!  This idealism of protection called Health Insurance.  I’ve been to the doctor what, once or twice in the last twelve months? No panic attacks here, as long as I don’t mull over it for too long.  Who needs health insurance when all I do is knit while sitting on my couch?  It’s my accident-magnet husband that I worry about who’s in construction, commutes for one-and-a-half hours daily to his job site, surfs, steps outside of the house, etc.  And our teenage son, who has to step outside of the house to go to school.  Why can’t my family just stay indoors and blog like I do?  Homeschooled bloggers.  That won’t work, I don’t have the patience to learn something I don’t want to and then teach it to someone else.

Anyway, as of tomorrow, Mister, Master and I are taking our step of faith without health insurance. Forget that COBRA insurance extender.  What a cloud of fluff.  No way we’re going to pay $1300/month to continue our health insurance.  WTH! WARO!  What…A…Rip…Off.

This is rather exciting in a scary way though.  It’s like that scene in the Indiana Jones movie where Jones stops short of falling into a ravine, in some kind of cave or something, with enemies chasing after him, and his only escape is to get to the other side.  But there is nothing to get him across – no bridge, no rope, nothing.  But what nags him (if I can remember the movie, since it’s been well over ten years from seeing it, people) is in the back of his mind, he has to take a step of faith.  He has to fight against being intimidated by the hopeless entrapment he sees ahead of him.  So he ponders for a moment, masks his hesitance with courage, and takes a step forward, with anticipation of stepping off and perishing. Needless to say, this cinematographic scene pans out to show that there’s actually a bridge that was camouflaged by the backdrop of what Jones’ eye was seeing, and the emptiness that Jones steps on is solid footing.

Listen to me:   First, don’t put your security in things that can go away, things that you can lose, or things that will fail you.  For me, my security is in God.  Second, you need to take a step of faith.  Zero to One is the most difficult step. My security is taking that step of faith by relinquishing all control of having to know what’s ahead of me, and all control of what plan I have to make to get to point B.  My security is allowing God to take over and be freed from that stress. This freedom allows me to just…”be”.  I’ve never felt so secure in my life.

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